Monday, May 21, 2012

Still waiting for a LOVE CONNECTION

So I don't know if any of you remember the TV show Love Connection, but for some reason it came to me this morning. I watched this show at way too young an age for way too many episodes, but it intrigued me. As I was thinking about our adoption experiences over the past several months, Chuck Woolery kept popping into my head. "Chuck, our first try wasn't a love connection, but this time we will try the audience pick for us and give it a go!"

Now I would rather be sharing all this with my therapist, but since I can't afford one, I will share it with my internet therapist (ie, whatever random reader stops in, and from looking at my page view stats, is not abundant, so I feel even better about unloading my personal feelings, which I normally try to keep to myself...).

Since our failed placement right before Christmas until today, here is a list of our NON-love connections:
-still waiting to hear today or tomorrow

That is a long list. What does this list mean? What it translates to is that for the past 5 months, about every other week we have been matched with a potential birthmother to be shown our profile. It means that 11 times the agency has called to ask if we were interested in being shown. We said we were. Then a week later the agency called (usually emailed though, the rejection easier to serve that way) and said the birthmother chose to place with another family.

Since it takes about a week for the birthmothers to decide it means about every other week we have had a week off, when the other weeks we go about our business waiting and every phone call that comes in, drops our stomachs. Do you know how many phone calls you get the span of a week? I will attest, it's a lot of stomach dropping.

I don't like roller coaster. I love amusement parks but hate roller coasters.

Our course the kids no nothing about our 11 "almosts." (Thankfully, they stopped reading the blogs about the time the rest of you did.) We speak around it, we pray vague prayers for peace and comfort, we give lots of knowing (and unknowing) glances, and we wait. Lots of anxious waiting. Not just the regular "oh, we are on an adoption site and we are waiting for someone to choose us..." Not that kind of passive waiting. It's the active, "some is looking at our profile right this minute. and looked at it yesterday and possibly tomorrow and are we right? is this going to happen? is our world going to change any second" -type waiting. Roller coaster waiting at the top of the hill looking over the ledge type waiting.

We tried coping every which way and found none is better than the other. We've tried the "pretend like nothing is going on don't talk about it" strategy. We also tried the "let's pick a name to give us something to stew on as a distraction method." We've tried the "ok, this is her due date, what will we do how will be work this out how much are airline tickets right now for that date" strategy. None of them are helpful. Especially the avoidance.

A couple of nights ago I  erred on the side of stupid and watched a special on TLC called "BIRTHMOMS." It was rough. I watched in horror as this 19 year old birthmother sat and criticized up and down all the profiles of waiting couples. I mean she ripped on them, "They're too homely. Too farmer. Too ugly. Too many kids. Too fat. Too Mennonite." All I could imagine was 11 different birthmothers ripping through our profile. "Too tall. Too short. Too homely. Too Virginian. Too Mormon. Too many boys." It seriously made me sick to my stomach but I couldn't turn away. Hear me when I say, she clearly had more than a lot on her mind and I imagine was manifesting her anxiety about placing as hatred of the couples who would do for her baby was she was desperately wanted to do, but was unable to do. I heard that. But I also heard someone tearing away at my family, my hopes, my intentions. (See, I told you I needed therapy).

Here is the biggest pisser of it all...OK maybe not the biggest, but close...I love my life. I love my family. I love the day to day, the big picture, the in's and out's and ugly and the marvelous. I'm not sad. I'm just tired. The pit in my stomach feels like it has settled in and built a beach house.

I guess what I am saying is that I want my LOVE CONNECTION already! I want to go on the awesome date around Hollywood, all expenses paid OR I want my parting gift of Tums and a toaster and I want to go home. Either way, I hate just hanging out here in the Green Room.


Ann said...

I want to comment and offer some wonderful words of comfort but I just can't figure out the right words and everything I think of sounds so trite. I'm so sorry that this has been such a roller coaster of an ordeal for your family. I wish there was an answer. I wish it wasn't so hard. I wish I could make it all better. I love you all and will continue to keep you in my prayers

(ps-I check your blog all the time and still follow faithfully!!)

Lauren in GA said...

Here comes the trite...but I truly mean it, Jaime...I just can't imagine.

I don't know if I should tell you this or not...but I will...and if it makes it worse I am so, so, sorry...

For our 18 year anniversary (thanks for the sweet comment, by the way) we went to see the, "What to Expect when You are Expecting" movie.

There is an adoptive couple in the movie and when their sweet baby is handed to them the new mom says, "We have been waiting for you." I started bawling...I mean we all know I'm a crier...but I was thinking of you. We will keep praying that that day comes soon and the wait will be bearable...and less painful...and when that sweet baby is given to you you can let the flood gates open and express how you have been waiting...and the wait is finally over.

We really are praying...and I have my eyes peeled. You'd be proud of my vulture like tendencies ;)

Alyssa said...

I read your blog. And I LOVE you guys. I HATE what you're feeling. I wish I could change it. You are stronger than many people I know.

Beth Freestone said...

I love that you used the word "pisser". It cracked me up. I used it today in a text to Brady. Anyway, I'm so sorry for your ups and mostly downs. I'm sure no one can say the "right thing" (don't we wish we could?!). I taught a RS Lesson on prayer a couple of weeks ago and one of the questions was about how would you respond to someone who thinks their prayers have gone unanswered (I'm not implying this is what you think) and I didn't really have an answer. But one of the sisters talked about their fertility and adoption ups and downs and waiting. She said that the answer finally did come and now they look back at what they learned from the process and see that their prayers were answered. So, I'm hoping that in a short time from now you can look back at this time and think "man I'm glad that part is over!". When can we see you guys?!? I've seen Combos here!

Elizabeth said...

Love you all!!

HG said...

I had a dream about you last night and this topic - first time you were ever in a dream of mine - strange - but maybe it's a signal that the energy of the universe is advertising how amazing you all are - hopefully the time for you to add to your family is upon you. I know what it is like to feel blessed and love your life and be thankful for all you have - and yet want that something extra. It's a tricky position. You are an amazing woman and you have an amazing family - I will pray for some peace of mind for you all. Try to stay in the present.


Nita said...

I'm so thankful I didn't see this back in May. when you wrote it. It would've torn my heart open with so many feelings and extra worry to hear the depth of what you were experiencing. Not that I didn't guess but you weren't talking about it so much . . . And having been there myself so many years ago, you expressed it in a way I never could have. I always told you that you were a gifted writer and should've (and still could) take that up someday! But now reading it one month post Sterling, I read it with such joy and amazement. We always hear, especially when we don't believe it could be true, that it's always darkest right before the sun rises (is that how it goes?!?), which was truly the case for you. I'm so grateful and happy that your long wait is over and your precious baby has arrived. She just had a lot more goodbyes to say before she was ready to come to you. Enjoy every precious minute. You finally got your sweet little girl. I can't wait to meet her. Love you to the moon and back. : )

Kara said...

Major points for the Love Connection reference. I couldn't stop watching that show; once I watched it with my grandmother and she said "does your mom let you watch this?" Shhhh.

I'm reading this after watching the happy ending so it's rewarding to know the wait was worth it, but reading about the green room feels familiar. As I amp up for more green room experiences (in a different way), I will remember your words. Thanks for sharing, J.