Sterling's Blog Debut

When Sawyer was about 4, and he wanted to reference the entire family, he would call us "the 5 family." For example, "Is Finn just going or is the 5 family going?"

Now we are the Six Family.

The story of her arrival is long, and we will get to that later. But for now, enjoy these. She had two photo shoots within the first two weeks of her life. Here are my favorites from the first one! Thanks Ann!

Jack got Brazil, I got a Canon.

Not that it's tit for tat over here (who are we kidding?) but with Jack gone to Brazil, I was left with lots of time on my hands. Time to think, and time to buy. We stewed for months about whether or not I should go to Brazil with him, and in the end, I decided I should stay home. Jack was bummed because he kept trying to get me to go, but it just never felt like the right decision. Now I know why. Because if I had gone to Brazil, I never would have felt justified in buying my new Canon Powershot SX40. I have been wanting a bridge camera (or superzoom, as my research taught me they are called) for a few years but my old tiny camera just wouldn't die. It tried a couple times, but was brought back to life each time. Jack took it to Brazil and while he was away, life was happening and I couldn't take pictures. I really had no choice in the matter--the situation compelled me to buy. It was almost like a power controlled me. (we are all clear this is total crap, yes?)

So far my favorite function is the "sports" dial. It allows me to take continuous action shots. You know, for all the sports I attend. (insert trampoline shots, the sportiest sport at our house)

I love it! And I've only had it for a few days but I am having so much fun. On the down side (maybe), it did not come with a manual (sorry Jack-now I CAN'T read it) so I am just playing around. And here is what I have done with no skills and no manual...

Imagine what I can do when I have some skillz!

P.S.-This post is sponsored by My New(ish) Job!

Chee-z-y Postcards, "This Insults Women" Stickers, and Blue Nail Polish

I was looking for something in office and stumbled across my two shoe boxes and decided it was time to reminisce. You know "the boxes." The memories you hold onto from your other lives. With the Jack gone and the boys wrapped up in the Olympics, I pulled them both down and decided to take a stroll.

It's crazy (there is a better word, I just don't know it) how many different lives we live. Each of mine have sculpted and crafted me into who I am today. Some for the better, some for the worse. I don't want to wax all philosophical here, but reading all the letters, seeing all of the phases-it feels like I have crammed so many lives into my 35 years of living. Remembering I was a person before I was married. I had loves and friends and experiences that were incredible and amazing and such a blessing to my life. Remembering Jack and I were lovers before we were parents. We were parents of 1 before we were parents of 3. We were young parents before we were old parents.

I just feel blessed for the phases of my life and all the people along the way who have inspired me, taught me, connected with me, loved me, and helped me become ME. What's the next phase going to bring?

No creepy naked men eating strawberries, but still fun

As we were planning our trip to UT, Jack and I wanted to do some things with the boys that we used to do while we were in college. One of them was hiking to a local hot springs, the Hot Pots, and swimming in the warm water. As we investigated, we found the hike was 2 miles in and thus 2 miles out. Nothing to college students--a hassle for the 6 year old. We thought that might be a little long for Sawyer (yeah, Sawyer would be the one struggling...)  in the 100 degree heat, so we looked to see if there were others. Of course there was, but this one seemed the best. Indeed it was awesome! One of the major highlights of the trip for me. The open waters required life vests, but the little "tubs" on the side did not.

 The water was about 90 degrees and the open water was 70 feet down. The inside of the crater felt spongy and dense at the same time. It was totally crazy, and wonderful. The water was so clear! We went with cousins Reaghan and Haden, who live 45 miles from the crater, but had never even heard of it. Makes me wonder what is just around the corner here at home that we are totally missing. For all you UT dwellers and SLC visitors, GO take a dip in the crater. (Plus, since you have to pay here, unlike the spring of college years, you are guaranteed everyone will be clothed, unlike the spring of college years! At the Hot Pots, you never knew who would be there lanky and naked, climbing over the rocks. No this is not a reference to Jack.)

Still waiting for a LOVE CONNECTION

So I don't know if any of you remember the TV show Love Connection, but for some reason it came to me this morning. I watched this show at way too young an age for way too many episodes, but it intrigued me. As I was thinking about our adoption experiences over the past several months, Chuck Woolery kept popping into my head. "Chuck, our first try wasn't a love connection, but this time we will try the audience pick for us and give it a go!"

Now I would rather be sharing all this with my therapist, but since I can't afford one, I will share it with my internet therapist (ie, whatever random reader stops in, and from looking at my page view stats, is not abundant, so I feel even better about unloading my personal feelings, which I normally try to keep to myself...).

Since our failed placement right before Christmas until today, here is a list of our NON-love connections:
-TA
-JN
-PW
-VN
-CA
-AL
-DU
-JT
-CR
-TA
-still waiting to hear today or tomorrow

That is a long list. What does this list mean? What it translates to is that for the past 5 months, about every other week we have been matched with a potential birthmother to be shown our profile. It means that 11 times the agency has called to ask if we were interested in being shown. We said we were. Then a week later the agency called (usually emailed though, the rejection easier to serve that way) and said the birthmother chose to place with another family.

Since it takes about a week for the birthmothers to decide it means about every other week we have had a week off, when the other weeks we go about our business waiting and every phone call that comes in, drops our stomachs. Do you know how many phone calls you get the span of a week? I will attest, it's a lot of stomach dropping.

I don't like roller coaster. I love amusement parks but hate roller coasters.

Our course the kids no nothing about our 11 "almosts." (Thankfully, they stopped reading the blogs about the time the rest of you did.) We speak around it, we pray vague prayers for peace and comfort, we give lots of knowing (and unknowing) glances, and we wait. Lots of anxious waiting. Not just the regular "oh, we are on an adoption site and we are waiting for someone to choose us..." Not that kind of passive waiting. It's the active, "some is looking at our profile right this minute. and looked at it yesterday and possibly tomorrow and are we right? is this going to happen? is our world going to change any second" -type waiting. Roller coaster waiting at the top of the hill looking over the ledge type waiting.

We tried coping every which way and found none is better than the other. We've tried the "pretend like nothing is going on don't talk about it" strategy. We also tried the "let's pick a name to give us something to stew on as a distraction method." We've tried the "ok, this is her due date, what will we do how will be work this out how much are airline tickets right now for that date" strategy. None of them are helpful. Especially the avoidance.

A couple of nights ago I  erred on the side of stupid and watched a special on TLC called "BIRTHMOMS." It was rough. I watched in horror as this 19 year old birthmother sat and criticized up and down all the profiles of waiting couples. I mean she ripped on them, "They're too homely. Too farmer. Too ugly. Too many kids. Too fat. Too Mennonite." All I could imagine was 11 different birthmothers ripping through our profile. "Too tall. Too short. Too homely. Too Virginian. Too Mormon. Too many boys." It seriously made me sick to my stomach but I couldn't turn away. Hear me when I say, she clearly had more than a lot on her mind and I imagine was manifesting her anxiety about placing as hatred of the couples who would do for her baby was she was desperately wanted to do, but was unable to do. I heard that. But I also heard someone tearing away at my family, my hopes, my intentions. (See, I told you I needed therapy).

Here is the biggest pisser of it all...OK maybe not the biggest, but close...I love my life. I love my family. I love the day to day, the big picture, the in's and out's and ugly and the marvelous. I'm not sad. I'm just tired. The pit in my stomach feels like it has settled in and built a beach house.

I guess what I am saying is that I want my LOVE CONNECTION already! I want to go on the awesome date around Hollywood, all expenses paid OR I want my parting gift of Tums and a toaster and I want to go home. Either way, I hate just hanging out here in the Green Room.