Fried Green Tomatoes

A couple of times in my life I have had an overwhelming feeling that something is absolutely the right thing to do, but it shouldn't be. Does that even make sense?

It is 4:42am and everyone in my family is at home, asleep in their beds, except me. This part isn't new. I have always had insomnia. The reason for my insomnia tonight is entirely new. I am experiencing something  I never have experienced before.

My baby is leaving the nest. I know he will be home. Probably quicker than I anticipate because in a family of six, the schedules consume us sometimes and time goes by too quickly. But herein lies the problem.

Time has gone too quickly.

I know I have done it right. Everyone keeps saying this. "This is a natural step. This is what you want. This is the goal you have been working towards since he was born. This is the right thing to do-to say goodbye and send him out into the world. A successful launch!" My mind knows this. My heart is the one with the misundertanding.

It physically hurts. But it also feels so exhilirating to have him going to a place I adore, to do things I never even imagined doing! I couldn't be more excited for him.

I am also excited about the dynamics changing in the house. Grayson stepping up to the plate to be the sensitive, ever caring big brother. Sawyer, the hilarious brother having more space to be himself without being called to order. I think it willl be fun to watch Sterling come into her own even more than she has this past year. In all of this process (it has been a process!) I have been selfish and I feel badly about it. I have been consumed at times about how this shift, Finn leaving, would influence me and my life.
The other day I saw a post on a friends wall with a picture of her dogs waiting and watching as her son left for college. The dogs could clearly sense the shift. I started thinking about the three left behind and how they must be feeling in all of this and I felt a new sad. It wasn't about Finn leaving it was about the others feeling left behind. I went into to "mom-hyperdrive" trying to explain that it is natural Finn is leaving. All of those things people have been telling me for months. It felt hollow saying it, just as hollow as it felt hearing it. The boys wept. The uglies. It tore my heart and physically hurt. But it also brought me a weird joy. The boys are close. Very close. They argue and whine and fight and say things that are hurtful sometimes. But they love each other. They have worked at it, I have fostered it. It makes me feel like something went right. And still, seeing their tears felt so gut wrenching.
I vividly remember the first time I felt this way. I saw Fried Green Tomatoes in the movie theatre. I was crying because the daughter had died but then the script called for something hilarious to happen and I started laughing. Through my tears, I was laughing. It was disconcerting and comforting all at the same time. My brain didn't know what to release and my heart didn't know what to feel. It seemed entirely unnatural. I feel the same way now. Torn between two powerful emotions.
Then my step-mom started texting this weekend that her 93 year old father was in the hospital. She was saying goodbye to him. He was leaving this earth and she wouldn't see him everyday anymore, She wouldn't have him around to take to the Dollar Tree or to hear his life stories. She knew she wanted him to be released from his pain, but that would bring on a sadness of its own. Her sadness brought my sadness into perspective. It didn't have to mean my emotions weren't valid, it just helped with the view. Finn is still around and still a big important part of my life. Finn is still an important part of my life, I will just access him differently. I think my irrational concern about Finn not being in my life is driving a lot of my sadness.
I shouldn't be this sad. But I am. Sad-Happy. It is the last time the house will be this quiet with all my babies here as my babies. I know Finn will be home at Christmas. He will be his own person even more so than he already is now. I am excited to watch the man he will continue to become. Even if I am watching from  somewhere other than sprawled across the foot of my bed as he relays the details of his day and life to me. Right now I know where all my babies are and I feel safe in their safety.
I will let excitement win in this battle of emotions. I don't want Finn to feel any hesitation or reservation about leaving for school, or at least any more than is natural. He too will have many conflicting emotions over the next week. As we are in Provo prepping for his new life, which involves my exit into the background, he will need my silent support. I need to transition myself and not be "the mom" holding on for dear life to his bed post as "the dad" pulls me away. I'm cooler than that :)
I also saw a post yesterday with the hashtag #chosenfamily. I wonder about this notion occassionally. Would I choose so and so, would they choose me? Sometimes it makes me smile, sometimes it makes me sad. But forever and always I want my children, and right now mostly I want Finn to know, I choose him. I love spending time with him, laughing with him, learning from him. There is some generalization about teenagers-that they are miserable to be around. I have never found this to be true. I think teenagers are awesome. People say, "Oh, it is a hard time when children leave for college, because right as they become cool people, they leave." Finn has always been cool to me. He has always been someone I enjoyed spending time with each day. I like my children I don't just love them. I will miss hanging out with him. I am sure that is part of the sadness as well. A friend is moving away.
It's time and I know. Our relationship if shifting and my role is changing. I get it. Just like teaching him to walk and eat and love and work, this is another role in his life I was born to play from the moment he was born. It's just that the moment he was born feels like yesterday and I'm not sure I have had enough rehearsal time.
I wonder if I have taught him all he needs to know. Do I need to pen some Rob Lowe essay for Finn to "get it all" as one culminating life lesson? I hope not. I hope he already knows the basics. That I love him. That I tried my best. That I love God and that He loves each of us individually.  That all I want for him is happiness, whatever that looks like.
Finn, I love you.

I Am Lucky

I am the oldest grandchild of 35 grandchildren. All of us called Beth Meacham, Grandma. That is a lot of people and a lot of moments and memories with common person. She just left us and today most of her 9 children (and spouses), most of her 35 grandchildren (and spouses), and a lot of her 36 great-grandchildren will be gathering today to say one final good-bye at a grave site memorial.

I am not. I am here in VA, in my kitchen, listening the the common everyday noises of having a 3 year old and company in town for Easter. It is pretty quite actually. It's peaceful. The relationship you have with a grandparent is different than with a parent. It's less disipline and more fun. Less work, more candy. I think that magical piece of the relationship is was makes all my memories of Grandma so full of rainbows and unicorns. My Book of Rememberance is at my mom's house so I can't stroll through books and remember photos of my grandma, which is all I really want to do today. So instead, while my huge extended family is gathered and Sterling is napping, I want to have my own private memorial of Grandma. She was the only Grandma I really had a daily relationship with for my entire life. My Grandma, for much of my young life, helped raised me. My parents worked full time and she was close and willing so I was at her house a lot. For every snippet of a memory there is a story attached. Maybe one day I will come back and add more context. For now, as a means to put me in my happy place, I am going to share a few stories but mostly spew a stream of consciousness surrounding my Grandma.

• It's not my earliest memory, but close. When I was 5 or 6 my grandparents driving across the country to pick up my Uncle Kent from Duke University. Whether willingly or begrudingly, they took me along! For a multi-state, multi-day drive they brought me along! I remember sitting next to Grandma for hours on end while she would tell me stories. She had an amazing tale of about the sign that said "Watch for Falling Rocks." She said Falling Rocks was an Indian (she wouldn't bother with Native American, too PC) Princess who was captured and needed to find her way home so everyone was to watch for her and help her home if she was ever found. She sang the Pecos Bill song more times than I can remember. We played the card game WAR no less than a million times. I remember the pleather case that held two decks of cards that sat in the glove compartment at all times. I remember eating at Shoney's and only staying in "Holidomes" (Holiday Inns with a pool). 

• She would take me to get my shots as a child and promised if I didn't cry she would buy me a My Little Pony. And she did. I couldn't get enough shots...

• Sitting with her at church as a little child, laying on her comfy snuggly lap (she would be so mad if she knew I were publicly talking about her "comfy lap" but alas...) with her in her faux pearls, clip on earrings, and her dress suits while we watched Gpa sit up front and do the count.

• Holidays. Christmas. Christmas Eve at the Oak Lane house with a feast and Santa Claus coming visit the children at Grandma's House before he would go out on his magical delivery route. Finishing up Christmas morning and heading over to the Oak Lane house to find the stockings for us that she had hidden somewhere in the house. Making cookies with the cookie press and delivering them to the entire world. Easter. Oh my gosh the Easter eggs hunts she would orchestrate. I remember the ones at Oak Lane best because I was young and it was magical. The tables she would set up of elaborate prizes you could pick if you found an egg with a number in it. None of this Dollar Tree crap either. I'm talking fancy plush bunnies, toys, barbies, huge candy bars, prizes upon prizes. It was awesome!! Halloween. The ELABORATE costumes she would make for me. Oh my gosh. I saw in the mall the other day Rainbo-Brite is coming back. Grandma made me the most insanely awesome Rainbo-Brite costume the detail and layers. Someday I will come back and add photos to the blog. One year she made me witch costume and a matching one for my Cabbage Patch Doll (I was such a child of the 80's). Then we would go trick or treating in her neighborhood and get the homemade donuts from the neighbors.

• Food. Not to discuss the healthiness of the notion, but for my Grandma, Food=Love. So many of my memories of food trace back to my grandmother. Food she would make that will always be quintessential Grandma: Hershey's Chocolate Triple Layer Cake, clam chowder, potato soup, sweet and sour chicken, chocolate mousse, christmas cookies, chex party mix, peanut brittle, homemade carmels, raspberry and apricot jam, peach cobbler, pancakes and a huge breakfast spread, sloppy joes, potato salad, fruit pizza, chicken salad, and tapioca pudding. It isn't just memories of her making food for me either. Eating cripsas from Taco Time. It is memories of spending hours in the kitchen preparing food with her. Whether for a family gathering of 50 plus relatives, working a catering event with her for her catering company and spending hours cutting fruit and peeling potatoes. Begging her for recipes and her always saying, "Oh, I don't know. A little of this and a little of that..." Food. I sense traditional comfort foods morphing for me over the next little while.

• Books. Being a little child and her taking me to the public library and letting me browse for house. Reading book after book after book (a lot of romance novels made the list) and how many times did we later on return or check out a book for her? Wendy gets the prize for going most often, but I had my fair share of runs to the library for her. Never buying a book though. That was a waste of money to her. It's why instead of flowers I decided to make a donation in her name to the public library. 

• Playing. Not always playing with her, per se, but near her. We did play lots of cards, work puzzles, play RACKO and occassionally LIFE if you could catch her with in the most willing of moods. She always had the best toys on hand and playing at her house was every child's dream. Swimming in her pool, jumping on the trampoline, playing in the playhouse. Walking to the children's clothing store she owned because it was down the hill from my elementary school. Trying on the clothes when new invetory came in, hiding in the racks, helping use the tagging gun to put all the hand written price tages on. Even long after her children were gone, keeping her house a Mecca for children at all times.

• And the rest of the little moments that hold a place, too many to share, but I can start. Years and years of going to Bear Lake and all of those memories, vague memories of Disneyland trips and Capistrano trips, living with her and Gpa right after Wendy got married, living with her with Beth and Alyssa in "the new house", her mocking Joni Mitchell and "singing" her songs when she'd hear them playing on my cd player, teasing Jack for falling asleep and locking himself in the back bedroom on Thanksgiving Day in the back room the very first time she meet him, teasing any and everyone for just about anything, her terrible handwriting that I loved, complaining about people who use bad manners, eating and loving black licorice together (NIBS, of course), that ONE Mother's Day, nursing me while Jack was in CA and my mom was in VA and I was on bed rest for 4 weeks pregnant with Finn, being one of the first to know about and meet Sterling, long talks on any and everything including at a lot of weddings and other events she was catering, watching her clip coupons, watching her sew a million different things mostly for other people, watching her care for so many people-often me, walking to church with her, running errands with her and for her to get a discount on something-somewhere, watching her work on genealogy. 

There are more. So many more. Some private and sacred. Some trivial and ridiculous. But for now, these will do. These will serve to bolster me when I feel sad about her leaving. My friend Carol shared this with me and I like it.

“Many African societies divide humans into three categories: those still alive on the earth, the sasha, and the zamani. The recently departed whose time on earth overlapped with people still here are the sasha, the living-dead. They are not wholly dead, for they still live in the memories of the living, who can call them to mind, create their likeness in art, and bring them to life in anecdote. When the last person to know an ancestor dies, that ancestor leaves the sasha for the zamani, the dead. As generalised ancestors, the zamani are not forgotten but revered. Many … can be recalled by name. But they are not the living-dead. There is a difference.” ― James W. Loewen, Lies My Teacher Told Me

Grandma has joined the ranks of the sasha. May those of us who knew her speak of her often until those who never knew her, know enough to revere her.
Til we meet again, Grandma.

Oh, we are so doing this. Reviving the blog. So no need to relive it all. Jack finished his dissertation. Got a job in Amelia County, VA (read middle of nowhere central VA) and we left Radford. The kids were awesome(ish) about the move. Jack and I had a rough year with him and his new job and me being old and not knowing how to make friends or adjust to a new place. But we turned a corner and are enjoying our new life.

Even though we still need to paint the shutters. Isn't it funny how you move into a place with this huge list of things that "have to happen" to make "your home" but then you get in, unpack, and well, life happens? 

I guess the first time Sawyer spills hot chocolate on the cathedral ceiling (don't ask how), Sterling poops on the office floor, Finn piles the floor of his room with laundry and dirty dishes, and Grayson breaks the garage window with a tennis ball, the house becomes officially, OURS.

My Reunion Tour

So a friend asked if I knew anything about helping her get started on a blog. Honestly, I had forgotten about this blog. Blogs are passe, aren't they? As I cam back to visit I saw most of the blogs I follow have posts no more recent than a year ago, or more. Including ours. It has been well over a year ago since we posted, and before that, several months even. As I was trolling our blog I realized, we started this blog for our family. For our kids mostly. So they can get a feel of who we are as people, who we were along the way. So I am coming back. We will see how long this reunion lasts, but I am going to write. Facebook will eventually be deleted and my journals are intimate, private. This will continue to be where I ruminate on whatever is going on. So kids, I'm back. Passe or not, I am blogging again.

"Hug a Mormon Today (they're having a moment)"

It's a meme I saw the day Kate Kelly was excommunicated from the LDS Church. I liked the meme. We were/are having a moment.
I wish I could sit in the back of the room, quietly, with my hand over my brow, saying nothing. I wish I could pretend it all doesn't matter to me. That my packing list is more important. That I spent all day driving the NRV to find my son a pair of khakis and he still has none, is the biggest controversy I have dealt with this week. Those are some of my wishes.
But--insert some witty quote about wishes and dreams versus action and roads diverging (probably by Walt Disney or Walt Whitman or someone).
I am sad. Like when you find out someone you love and respect is having an affair. Like when you hear a band you love sing a misogynistic about, oh, pick something. Like when you spend a little more than you normally would on a shirt from Ann Taylor and then the first time you wash it, it shrinks. Just sad. Not like your mom died sad, just in a funk, something-is-not-right sort of sad.
One of my favorite essays from college (yes, BYU) is entitled, "Jesus was a Feminist." It has been a notion I have always stuck to and always will. It's one of the things I love about my faith. There is core doctrine. It will not change. I do not want it to change. It is doctrine not of this decade, or this century. It is biblical. It is rooted in the premise of a man who didn't feel like all the answers were here on earth so he prayed to God and God told him he was right. He questioned. There were all these great things pieces in various churches but the whole truth was not on the earth...and thus the revelations began to flow. We believe in modern revelation and a modern day prophet who gives us continual revelation. Another premise I LOVE about my faith.
Before my diatribe truly begins, I want to tell you where I am coming from on the issue of women and the Priesthood. I believe that right now women do not have the Priesthood. I do not know if that will remain forever the case, but I totally accept that it's what it is now and I am personally fine with it. Quite frankly, in a down and dirty sort of way, the last thing I want is the responsibility of the power of God. I am too busy raising a family, being effective in my job, making a mean caramel pie, and making my little community the best place it can be. Add those extra responsibilities and that would tip the scale for me. I personally have no problem accepting that idea. That said...
I have three sons. I also have a daughter. Those three sons will have wives one day. I truly believe the way "we" are handling the Kate Kelly excommunication is saying a great deal about what "we" think about women. All Mormon women, just like all Mormon men, do not have to think the same thing, act the same way, dress from the same stores and bring the same dish to the potluck. Of course we have to all believe the same basic truths. But there are some things, dare I say MANY things, that none of us know the answer to and to get self-righteous about this one issue is a bit risky in my opinion.
I have been extremely saddened by the responses I have seen from those within my faith about Sis. Kelly's excommunication. Excommunication of a sister who served a mission, married in the temple, believes, has a testimony, and who also has questions. I'm not questioning those who were her Judges in Israel. That's on them and as the wife of an ex-bishop, I know they are well aware of that fact. But I am ANGRY at the rest of "us" who have basically said, "Well, what did she expect?" or "If she doesn't like it-leave!" or "She's just causing trouble." or any other sentiment like unto it. What happened to compassion? When anyone is excommunicated or disciplined in anyway, it is sad. We should be sad. We should not keep saying "It's for her own good." This is not compassion! This is righteous indignation.
I don't know this woman. And most of us talking about her don't know her either, I would venture to say. But I am so sick of everyone seeing this moment as an "I'm right. You're wrong" sort of moment.
My "I'm voting for Obama and I'm a Mormon" bumper sticker is important to me. My identity is deeply rooted in my faith. It is also deeply rooted in other things. I don't agree with everything everyone says in Sunday School, Sacrament Meeting, and every other meeting. It's not expected of me. Moroni tells us God wants us to pray for ourselves and find out if it's true. I think culture and misunderstanding, and false traditions have seeped into everyone's experience to a certain degree.I say all this because I get it that I'm not the traditional Mormon housewife. I'm not a OW member or Molly. I fall somewhere in the middle and depending on the day or the issue depends on which end of the pendulum swings. I worked at the Women's Resource Center in Provo. I know there are Bishops who beat their wives, Stake Presidency members who steal and embezzle, leaders who make mistakes. They are not the doctrine. I have no delusion that every Mormon leader makes every correct decision. But that delusion is also compassion that every leader, every member, is just trying to do the best they can. I digress.
But whenever anyone is disciplined and is sad about, we should be sad about it too. Mosiah tells us we should "mourn with those who mourn, comfort those in need of comfort." Not "stand there shaking your finger saying 'she had to know this was coming...'!"
There. I wanted to say nothing. I wanted to post some vague status on facebook. But instead I'm writing so my children can look back on this moment in our religious history and know what I thought about it all. I think it's sad.
I'm not a writer. I'm not a philosopher. I'm not an activist but I'm not a bystander (even though I wish I could be...). And I want my sons and my daughter to know I have a testimony of the doctrines of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-days Saints. And seeing those among us use this as an "I told you so" moment makes me sad.

Moments I Hate

The moment you go for the milk after already having poured your cereal, and realize there is not milk

The moment you go to start a load of laundry and realize there was a load left in there from days ago which now must be re-washed, putting you even further behind

The moment you go to take a picture at an important event and realize the battery is charged and still sitting in the charger

The moment you pull into the carpool lane and then realize your son has jump rope club after school, but it's too late to back out and you are trapped for the duration

The moment you go to add the final ingredient to a recipe and realize you are out of the item

The moment you drop a birthday card in the mailbox and realize you thought it was March not April

The moment you are nestled in bed, perfectly cozy, and realize you have to get up to do something you forgot to do but that has to get done before you can go to sleep

The moment you realize all your hated moments have something to with the fact that what you thought was an  A Game, is really more like a B- Game.

Do you want to know the moment I loved and continue to love though? The moment when I realized that I am a 36 year old SAHM of four, starting over after 7 years, and I don't have to prove anything, to anyone, and I do not care if I am at the top of my game. I loved that moment and continue to love it!

I'm not quite sure what to do with this...

My alma mater. Number 1? 
And no, Finn, you can't go there. You can thank Business Insider.

Sisterhood of the Multiplying Dress. (or) THE Dress.

So many moons ago, I found out I was pregnant. I knew it was going to be a girl because, well, because I had a dream. I really did have a dream, but that is a whole other story. I also knew it was going to be a girl because I come from a house of girls. I never had brothers. My parents were divorced. I knew girls. My mom had all of these sisters who were a large presence in my life, I knew women. Jack came from a family of seven sisters. We were having a girl. Hands down. So when GAP had this velvet ice skating dress for sale, of course I bought it. In 1998. I might have even bought it full price (or maybe like only 20% off, which by my standards, is full price.) Then it went on sale, so I bought another one in another size. And then another. I eventually owned four sizes of this dress. Well as you know, Finn was a boy. Then another boy, then another boy. Clearly, no girl. Slowly, as my sister and friends all began having girls, I started gifting (surrenderring) the dresses. For someone to recieve the gift of "THE dress" meant clearly our friendship was important to me. I kept one. I did keep one. Fast forward to 2013. Here are the three of us, and our three daughters, wearing various incarnations of THE dress. Time has passed, so much has changed, but man, those dresses are still solid. Solidly awesome! Solidy adorable! Of course, it doesn't hurt that the models are pretty awesomely adorable as well!

 ANTM Note: If I were hiring a model amongst the crowd, I am sorry to say it would not be my own daughter. Macy was the star of this show, as the old pro of the photo shoot. She looked great in all of them. The other two, not so sure about this little endeavor. I had to include my favorite of each girl. 



Sterling



Quinn

Macy

I dOn't know why, but I laugh every time

I'm not imploring you, but I am sayin' if you love you some Justin, this site is funny to fill five minuts of your day. I love me some Justin and the commentary is why i laughed so much.
.Justin Doing Things

And I love this woman, as does Sawyer, who now has a new catch phrase. The up side is that he no longer says, "Where there's fun, there's fire."
Sawyer says thanks

You are welcome Lyssa.

For Reals.

If you want to have a private conversation about fees and expenses you can expect to incur if you are interested in adopting, I would love to share our experience with you. It is not a secret and I am not uncomfortable talking about it. Not in aisle 12.
Thanks rantsfrommommyland.com for the pic.

Oh What a Difference a Year Makes

I was just on facebook and posted my Year in Review of Status Updates. It was fun. As I was looking at my 87 updates to choose 12 from I realized none of them were the heart and soul of my 2012. Nor should they. Facebook is not where I leak my inner most thoughts and feelings.

Last January 1st we were holed up at the beach, trying to drown our sorrows from our failed adoption. We tried to let the waves wash our sadness away as we held our little family closer. In all my life I will never forget where we were and how we felt as we told the boys they were not going to meet the little sister. In a strange way, the group hug we shared sobbing and wailing, is a moment I will treasure forever.  January 2012 was going to bring this amazing experience and change our lives. It did change our lives. I love this picture because it brings all the emotions of that trip back to my mind. It was heart-wrenching and healing all in the same trip. It was a strange mix of experiences and emotions for us.

Here we are, January 2013. We are holed up again, not because we had to escape. This time, we are in our little house and we don't want to leave. We are not drowning anything, we are relishing in our completion. We are soaking up the joy and the strength and the love we feel as our family is moving through the next chapter of our life. We aren't stuck in this adoption loop of "what-is-or-is-not-going-to-happen."

2012 brought moments to my life that showed me some of my lowest lows. It also brought me moments of some of my highest highs. It was a roller coaster year, for sure. Through it all, I was given this amazing strength to cope, to deal, and even to thrive (at times) in the "now."

At church someone had decorated a bulletin board with this random quote that I stared at week in and week out. Over the course of several months, I wrote it down in my scriptures and on my notebook, on old gum wrappers and used envelopes, as I sat in that room listening to the words of my Savior teach me about peace and love and healing. For Christmas, Jack "made it all fancy" and had it framed for me. I didn't really notice he had seen my obsession with it. It was my favorite Christmas present.

"Worry doesn't empty tomorrow of its troubles, it only empties today of its strength."

That's my real 2012 in review.

My Other Baby

So this year it was Sawyer who struggled at the photo shoot. Although from these shots, it is hard to tell. But between those busted up teeth (thankfully I think we will have a braces gap between Finn and this one) and that 6-going-on-16 attitude, it was all we could do to get even a few pictures of him smiling, and not in a tortured sort of way. The shadow on this one is a bit strong but that face...you try denying that face!

Sawyer, since birth, has been our leaper-jumper-runner-no-heights-are-too-high child. It is amazing he hasn't broken anything (ok, anything on his body...). We are constantly telling him to "take the crazy outside" and it works for the most part. He is never cold. Even with colder weather coming in he still wears shorts almost everyday to school. I know parents judge, but they were judging me when I let him climb the monkey bars at age two (because he totally could!), so judge on parents! He is our total "dude." He always asks who our favorite NFL team is, who our favorite quarterback is, and we are constantly googling answers to appease him. He scored 8 baskets the other day in his basketball game, so we just might have to become sports people for this one.

 This boy is going to be trouble with the ladies. He is a charmer. He and his best buddy "Bro" are the boys the other kids try to be with and please. While it is adorable in some sense because they both have their own little speech issues, this is not good. Why is this not good? Because he knows how much other children look tohim. Plus, when his first grade teacher asked what the reward for fun friday should be, he responded, "Go around all day with your shirt off. For the boys anyway." A dude. Shirtless, sports-talking, poop joking dude.

But dude or not, he loves his baby sister. He gets bored with her "lack of skills" quickly, but is always interested in what she is doing, where she is, and what he can do to get her to smile. Which, for the record, is just about anything. These two are going to be a pair...

Middle by Birth, First by Declaration

Two years ago when we had our last formal family photo shoot, Grayson was, well, "had the hardest time", shall we say? This year, he was a pro! As we were walking out the door he asked if he could take a banana Laffy Taffy. I was harried and didn't care what he brought, so long as he made it to the car. Just before pictures he popped that thing in his mouth and I seriously think the sugar rush came into play, but we got the most adorable and amazing photos from him. In fact, his turned out the best, I think. It was hard to chose even just 5 or 6 for this post, because there were so many good ones.

  

Gray has had an amazing year. While quiet and reserved at times, he has such a big personality for a 4th grader. He defiintely sets the tone for our house, so we have enjoyed his enjoyment of life this past year. Not thrilled with reading, he has never really jumped into a series, but over the summer his reading blossomed and he dove into the Harry Potter series. I am so proud of him since he swore he would never read a book that long. He is almost done and we catch him reading here and there often, which is an amazing sight to behold. With Sterling's arrival he moved rooms and shares a room with Finn now and it is so great to watch the two of them interact. It has been good for Gray and has helped him mellow out a little.

While he has played soccer and is currently playing basketball, he has stumbled upon his newest passion: Jump roping. An amazing student teacher (seriously, watch her in this video of her at her high school talent show...yes, she was jumping with her butt @ minute 1:25!) started a Jump Rope Team at Belle Heth. After several weeks of practicing late into the cold dark nights, in his bedroom, and with his imaginary rope in the living room, Gray made the team. They work hard, too! He wants to join the jump rope team for the Jr Olympics and while he has a ways to go, I can totally seeing him do it. Gray has that kind of personality. If he is not interested, good luck-never gonna happen. If he is, watch out! I love that about his personality. Jack always says he is the most like me and that we are going to probably go the rounds when he hits his teen years. But I turned out ok, so I say bring it!

How to choose? Finn First.

We had our family photos taken the other day and so many of them turned out so great. I was having trouble decided which ones to get printed and which to put in scrapbooks and which to put on the blog. So it is going to be a series of posts. Redundant at some level, yes. Oh well. I realized I have not really blogged about the boys this year, so I thought this would be a good chance to catch up on their comings and goings.

 Finn is in the 9th grade. Although a Freshman, he does not carry himself as such. But anyone who knows Finn knows he was an old soul from the time he was born. He continues to keep us in line and serves as the third parent on many occassions (again, which he has done since the moment he had someone to parent...sorry Gray). He is  a great brother and babysitter. He has begun babysitting for hire and he really enjoys it. It reminds of when Jack was a nanny in college and he loved it. Academically he is doing outstanding. He has three advanced classes and he has had straight A's since the year began. He is excelling in band also, playing in the honors band at RU this past month. It is crazt to me that three years ago he didn't even know how to read music and now he is a real saxaphone player.

 Ever the prude, it makes him crazy when we tell him "He's sax-y and he knows it!"

 He is on the Science MACC team and Scholastic Bowl team. The other afternoon he called and said SB practice was cancelled. In my mind I raced through picking him up early and what that would entail but before my thoughts could materialize he said, "But I am going to join Spanish Club and Andrew can bring me home afterwards." I actually asked him if he could start under-achieving a little more. (And we won't even talk about having him have friends who drive...)

Between the orthodontist and dermatologist, he is going to be in tip top shape by the end of next year. Standing at a taller-than-mom-since-he-was-eleven 5'12 he is still my Finny. I can tell he is getting older because it used to drive him crazy when I called him that. Now he just pats me on the head and talks about the old people's home he is going to send me too.
It's great having a teenager around! I've said it before and I stand by it.He's fun to be around, witty in his conversations, confident in who he is, and I am proud to call him my son. I am grateful he sometimes says no to his friends and chooses to stay in and hang out with us. He might beat me at most of the games we play anymore, but I'll take it! Love you Finn!

The Not So Glamour Shots

Testing our props and outfit selections

 So we just had our professional family photo shoot and they turned out great! Thrilled! I couldn't be happier. But for those, you will have to wait. Instead, here are the ones we took with our camera, while we waited for the photo family magic to begin...


This is before we even left the house...



Yep. And within about 15 minutes of our arrival.

I know you will be on pins and needles waiting for the rest.

"Filled to the rim, with Brim."

Every time I start to think or say, "I am filled with " all I can think of is that dumb coffee commercial from the 80's.

Something dumb happened the other day. It was stupid, but I started to feel a little self-pity start to creep in. You know, when a teeny tiny pity party starts. Then something else dumb happened and the party started hoppin'. But before the cops could get called on my raging pity-party, I saw it. I saw her. I saw all four of them actually, interacting, and I was filled...

There is a sense of unity, of completion, of wholeness here. I feel it. It makes me laugh out loud when no one is around. It makes me to cry tears of joy when I look at photographs of all SIX of us. This feeling is so filling. It's feels surreal, often. It's funny, because while we are swimming in a haze of bills like we never have seen and a haze of sleep-deprivation like we forgot existed, we have this new amazing reality and it supersedes the haze! Watching the boys love Sterling and care for her fills me with excitement and unparalleled love for all four of them. Watching Jack and I experience parenting a newborn as, shall we say, more weathered parents is gratifying and makes me realize we can probably take on anything at this point (although please hear me, universe, when I say, we are finished with the hard stuff, easy only from here on out).

First day of school breakfast (the only time we eat bfast together on a weekday)

Sometimes I feel like someone needs to pinch me. It happened. It really happened. We wondered, we worried, we waited. Sterling is just part of us now. It's crazy. The drama, the chaos, the unknown...it's all known, and it worked out. (Now nothing is final until the lawyer sends us "THE" paper, hopefully in Feb or March, but we are calling that a mere formality at this point.) Also funny is the notion of us as "a little family." We are not little. As a party of 6, we do nothing small or discreet. We are big. We are loud. We are a presence. But we feel small to me. We feel right.

I have an abundant life, blessed beyond what I thought possible. I am sad I wasted half a day thinking about stupid things I don't have. In regards to what matters, I have it all. My BRIM runneth over.

You don't have to read the whole thing, but I have to write it.

I guess it is time to blog about Sterling's arrival into our family. I have so many thoughts and feelings and emotions that it has been difficult to sit down and put them all to print. In fact, I will never be able to get them all down, and there is so much that I want to hold close to my heart and never publish, but the story is so great, I have to share "the story." You know me, I'm a sucker for a great story.

To catch you up, I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy October, three years ago. After surviving it, and healing, we knew the only way we could bring our final baby into our family was going to be through adoption. Jack and I both have adopted siblings, so it wasn't a foreign concept in the slightest. We listed with a agency with three months of me leaving the hospital. We just KNEW it went so quickly for us because "our baby" was coming right around the corner. Or that corner. Or down the bend. Or up the hill. Or something. After about a year of waiting, we interviewed three additional agencies. We began the application process with a second agency, because as any good adoption caseworker will tell you, you should list with multiple agencies. After about a month of paperwork, we felt like this was not the agency for us, so we left our money and our efforts there on the table and walked away. We then began the 30 week training to become foster parents and try adopting through the local state agency. After about 2.5 months of attending the 3 hr weekly classes, the instructor called us and asked if she could come visit us at home. When she did, she said she felt like we were not the right candidates for the program. She said they only place children for adoption who are over 8 years old. Children under 8 they place with families not seeking to adopt, as reunification is always the goal. Of course, adoptions do sometimes result in these types of placements, but they do not set them up that way. Deflated, we walked away from that option. Having three children at home in that age range, we did not feel comfortable with their options.

For three years, amidst the chaos of life, we had "this thing" that hung over our heads all the time. "Should we go on the Paris trip, because what if we get the call while we are gone?" "Should we buy the new house? what if it ties up all of our credit and then we don't have a line to pay for an adoption if it occurs?" It was never easy to forget, but there were definitely times we were able to push it to the back of our minds. It's not like there was this dark cloud hanging over our house, but there was definitely a hole that was more easily filled sometimes than others. Sawyer was the one who talked about it most. "Mom, do you think we will get home from the store and there will be a baby sister waiting for us?" Or he'd say things like, "When we get a sister..." And it was always a sister. He NEVER talked about a brother, which we thought was funny. (Lucky for him it worked out in his favor!)

Two years in we decided to commit to a second agency. We were having struggles with our first agency, they were not making very many placements, and we did not feel like they were advocating for us as we had hoped. My sister had worked as a birthmother advocate for a little while with an adoption facilitation agency and she suggested we try an agency she had seen some success with out of Utah. After talking to our friend/unpaid adoption counselor (Here's your shout out FLOSSIE!) on many occasions she thought they were a good agency too, so we called them. After speaking with several people there, and finding out there would be no upfront retainer or fees (which we had already lost with two agencies), we went for it.

In late September 2011 we applied with Heart to Heart Adoptions (call me if you want to talk shop--they were great!) and on the last day of our Brazilian Principal Exchange visit last year, we got the call. There was a birthmother interested in talking with us on the phone. A month!! Just a short month later, we had already seen movement. We were just excited to be chosen to talk with someone, never mind be chosen. This birthmother had all the makings of a very unfortunate and tough life situation, but a perfect adoption placement. She was older, she did not have family support, she had relocated, she was having an interracial baby in a family unwilling to support her, she was in school, her boyfriend had left her. After several phone calls and millions of questions on her end, she called to tell us she had chosen us to raise her...daughter! It was a girl!! She wanted to meet us before the birth, so we flew out and spent the weekend with her. We were supposed to fly to NY that weekend for our anniversary, so we cancelled our hotel and changed our tickets. It was an amazing weekend and it just solidified our plans to drive out to UT with the whole family the day after Christmas to be there for the birth the first of January. We had kept it from the boys as long as we could, but told them about the birth just before we left for UT.

Two weeks after our visit, just a couple days before Christmas, we got the call. Our caseworker told us our birthmother had left town. She had cleared her apartment out and all that was left in there was a letter for us and a picture of the three of us we had taken at the aquarium. We were devastated. Words cannot describe the feelings we had as we huddled our little family together in our basement, told them we would not be going to UT and there would be no baby sister. We wept. Weeping. Actually weeping. The boys were hysterical. We were all hysterical. We huddled, hugged, cried. It was a moment I will be able to picture in my mind I think until the day I die. We wanted to run away, but Christmas was just a few short days away. We ran away to Roanoke for the night. We spent with reckless abandon (ok, so let the boys go to Build-A-Bear and make the animal + get clothes, so true abandon, but for us, close enough!) and sat eating at the Chinese Buffet by the mall for hours. We didn't want to be home, but we didn't want to see people either.

Christmas came and Jack and I put on the bravest of faces for the boys. But while it was difficult to curb the sadness, it was important and precious in the sense that we really appreciated and took in everything about the boys relishing Christmas. It was a time to draw closer the things in our life that we loved, and for us, it was each other and our boys. Our friend/unpaid travel consultant (are you seeing a theme?) Amy let us use her house at the OBX, so we woke up early the 26th and got the heck out of Dodge! We spent several days in the OBX just letting the sea wash away our sadness and returned home to a new year and a new hopes.

The hopes we had for 2012 though, were not really baby related. We talked as a family about whether or not we should continue to try and adopt. We all agreed we would put our hat back in the ring, but only one more time. If we had another failure, that was going to be the end. We lived our life. It was actually a great year. We vacationed a lot. We played, a lot. We relished our life as it was, and made plans for the future. We dreamed about trips we would take, lives we would lead, and it was joyful. It felt divine.

Just before we left for our 4th of July trip to see family in UT (yes, a lot of our lives center around UT to some degree) we found a house for sale that we LOVED!! It was exactly in the spot we dreamed of living one day. It had an IN-GROUND POOL-the plan for our next life phase. It was thrashed. It had drain pipes ripped from the house, the grounds were in rough shape, the inside was SO DATED (because we had given ourselves the illegal outside tour of the place on several occasions). But it was in our price range (just barely). We stewed about it a lot. Because of the condition of the house, we could actually afford it. We could spend the next 10 years renovating as money became available. It was ideal!! We decided when Jack got home from Brazil, we would go look at it and make an offer. While I was still in UT, we talked on the phone about that house every night. I finally just said, "Go look at it and make the offer! Just do it!" So Jack called the realtor and set up an appointment for the day before we got home and 2 days before he left for Brazil. 5pm. The appointment was set for 5pm. Then a couple of hours later, he got a call that the house had been rented and they were not selling anymore*. We were devastated. It was a rush of all the things we had thought we were over. Dreams and plans, in an instant, were gone!

The boys and I returned from our trip, the next day Jack left for Brazil, and we knew when he returned we would again regroup and move forward.

It was August 3rd and I was in my bathing suit and coverup. I had just left the boys with Paige at the pool so I could run to the school and help serve lunch to the band kids. As I finished up and was leaving the school, my cell phone rang while I was still inthe parking lot. As most of you know, I rarely answer my phone, but afraid swimming plans had changed and the boys were elsewhere now, I picked up.When I answered, it was Michelle from Heart to Heart who said a birthmother had chosen our family to raise her baby girl and she wanted to talk to us on the phone that night. Jack was in Brazil so I ran home and sent all kinds of messages through email to find Jack. His itinerary was vague for that day (of course) so I didn't have a number to reach him at. When he finally got the email and called, he could not believe it was happening! At 7 pm Aug 3, we had a conference call with Sterling's birthmother and we all just connected. Jack had asked Kelly what one of her favorite bands was (after she had said one of her hobbies was music--just like Jack's) and she said "Flogging Molly." One of the band members of FM was a friend of Jack's from high school, so instantly they hit it off! We talked about her life plans, her hopes, and how her baby girl will be loved and cherished and adored by our family. We talked about how our three sons were hoping for a sister to love and protect and play with and get dirty! She said that sounded perfect because she was a tomboy growing up.It was sad when it was time to hang up because we just wanted to keep talking!

The funniest part of all this was trying to maintain composure for the boys and with my friends. After the failed placement in December, I wasn't going to tell anyone I didn't have to...The night of the phone call to Sterling's birthmother was the night I was hosting a BUNCO party at the house. The phone call with ended at 6:30pm and everyone arrived at 7pm. It was funny because the next day someone emailed me and said I seemed a little off...I can't remember who said it, but yes, I was "off!"

Sterling was supposed to arrive on the 9th of August, but the doctors said they could wait until the 14th to induce. Jack flew home from Brazil on the 11th. On the 12th we went to church, came home and hung out with the boys and told them about their new sister. The morning of the 13th Jack went to work and Jaime took the boys to the Herndons house to stay while we were in UT. Dad wasn't sure what his boss was going to say when he told her he had to leave, but when she found out it was for the birth of our daughter, she was thrilled! So the afternoon of the 13th we flew out of Roanoke to SLC. But mid-flight we were grounded in SC which made us miss our connection to SLC through ATL. When we finally arrived in ATL there was one flight left. Jack RAN through the airport and begged and pleaded and cried and prayed and Noni Shropshire bumped some other passengers so we could be in SLC for your birth! It was one of the many steps along the way where we saw the hand of the Lord guiding our way. We got in around 2:30 am on the morning of the 14th and the induction was scheduled at 7 am. Since the birthmother wanted us there for the birth, but didn't want us to just wait around, we went and did a bunch of shopping for baby supplies and goodies for her. After all, it was a long delivery and hard labor and we kept getting kept texts saying how hungry she was and they wouldn't let her eat. Mean doctors!! We were supposed to go in at noon, then 2pm, then 4pm, and finally around 6pm while we were eating dinner at Pei Wei, we got the call "She wants you here for the delivery and we think it will happen soon. Come to the hospital by 7pm!" Off we flew!

And the rest is history. Actually, it's "her-story" so there are more details and other circumstances that I will cherish and hold close to my heart until Sterling is ready to hear them for herself, and before I share them with the world.

We love Sterling's birthmother and will only tolerate love and respect as she is mentioned in our home and in our story. We are amazed at her strength and devotion to Sterling by chosing a life for her that would be more full than what she could provide at this phase in her life. We have a semi-open adoption at her request, and hope to someday blow the door wide open on it, as she is ready.

So there it is...the little and big things that added up to make us the Six Family. We are so grateful to friends and family that supported us, and continue to support us in our journey. Some people are like, "You have three beautiful sons. Why would you have to adopt?" What compels any of us to do anything? We do have three awesome sons. And now an awesome daughter in the mix too. For us personally, we are guided by something we believe is bigger than ourselves. We believe a loving God had a plan for us, and for Sterling, which couldn't happen any other way. We marvel at this plan that has brought us all together and giggle when we think about the future we have together all six of us. We are joyful. Thank you for sharing it with us.

*As a side note, we later found out the house wasn't actually taken off the market. We believe but cannot prove the realtor was protecting other contingency offers by "true Radfordians." We were later offered a chance to see it when Jack was to return from Brazil, but Sterling popped onto the scene. So we didn't move, but it still worked out for us in the end...

Awkward Family Photo Ain't Got Nothin' on Us!

Sterling's Debut Part II

There were some "issues" at the hospital with the hospital photographer taking her picture so rather than have our first "No, we are her parents. I know I didn't give birth to her" fight, we bailed with no picture. But it worked out better for us because we got two of our friends who are photographers to do newborn photo shoots with her. Their photos were immeasurably better than anything the hospital could have done. So take that dumb hospital photographer!
Here are some of our favorites from photo shoot number two. Thanks Heather!